Unhelpful Things to Say to a Final Year PhD Student

I’ve now been out of the loop of PhD life for about 6 weeks. During that time I’ve been able to re-discover how to live without carrying my laptop everywhere, I’ve read so many books that are totally unrelated to my field of research, and I’ve been learning to ride a bike (spoiler alert – it’s been SO FUN). Over the course of those 6 weeks I’ve also been able to take a step back and begin to process all of the advice and comments that people made throughout the write-up process.

Mainly, I’m writing this because I’ve been thinking of sarcastic replies for the unhelpful comments that people gave me but would never dream of saying those replies out loud. For fellow PhD students I suspect this will provide some light relief, and for those who have thought or said things along these lines, I hope that this makes you think twice…

Comment: “A good thesis is a finished thesis!”
The response in my head: “Firstly, that’s not true. A good thesis is a well-written and well-researched thesis. Yes it needs to be finished but it’s also important to invest time in crafting the words properly so that it’s actually good. Also, please don’t patronise me.”

Comment: “No one’s going to read your thesis anyway so you can relax.”
The response in my head: “What a fecking fantastic thing to say. It’s almost like the last 3 years has been a waste of my time, brilliant! What a relief!”

Comment: “Time is ticking isn’t it?!”
The response in my head: “No shit. Reminding me of this is not helpful.”

Question: “Oh, so you’re not working as well as the PhD?”
The response in my head: “DOING A PHD FULL TIME IS A FULL TIME JOB IN ITSELF. THAT IS WORK.”

Question: “How does your partner feel about you becoming a Dr?”
The response in my head: “I want to say he’s proud and excited for me, but honestly I’d imagine he’s just glad this whole thing is coming to an end so that I shut up talking about it.”

Comment: “Funding is really hard to find isn’t it, you’d probably do better in industry.”
The response in my head: “Tremendous, thank you for your unwavering support.”

Comment: “It’ll be difficult to get funding afterwards, people will expect you to be having babies in the next few years.”
The response in my head: “Wow you are very interested in my womb, it’s worrying to hear that funding bodies could be interested too – I suspect that they have other stuff to be getting on with. Also, no.”